Heb 12:10b-11

As I draw nearer to God, I find I am confronted more and more with the things that are not of God. He shows me all that He desires to change in me so that i may be more like His Son.

As a Christian my identity is no longer in the world, but in Christ. The conflict is that my identity is so firmly rooted in the world that to suddenly up root myself causes a substantial amount of duress.

This last year has been a long journey. i came to a point where God’s call for me to surrender couldn’t be ignored anymore… In response I have given up what he has asked for: I have moved back home, dropped a few substance addictions, broke up with my fiancee, am selling my car, and am laying down selfish ambitions. I am not perfect by any means, nor have i arrived at the end of this “stripping” i’ve been going through. I am currently in the midst of having more of what I hold to stripped away. all of this is because of the word’s: “i surrender.” God’s response to me seems to have been “oh really? are you ready for what that means?” my only answer is, “no, but i am ready to be free. And I am ready for the power of the holy spirit to carry me through this process.”

I was talking with a friend recently, and he was commenting on the changes he has seen during this year of surrendering to Jesus. As we discussed our journeys, i realized this is not surrendering as much as it is death. Death to all of me, all I identify myself to be. It is allowing Jesus to dissolve the “old me” and raise up a new man, someone unrecognizable when held in contrast with who I used to be. Galatians 5:24 describes this process:

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

I would say this year has been the most painful of my life. I have never felt so much pain and heartache. But before I ever discuss the pain, I can only exclaim the joy of what Jesus is doing to me by the power of what he did for me. I cannot stand back and look at what I have been asked to sacrifice and hold it up with any pride when I am so in awe of the greatness of his sacrifices. The more I discover about Jesus and all that he went through for my sake, I find that i crave his discipline and correction all the more. I am know looking for more of what I can surrender to him because the more of me that dies, the more of him that replaces those dead bones. The more I die, the more He lives in me. I am full of so much more Jesus than I ever have before. Yes, the most painful year by human terms. But through surrendering myself to death and for the first time seeing what it means to pick up my cross and follow Him, I have found much more life than I can contain. This year has been so full of God’s work in my heart I cannot journal quick enough to keep track of what He is doing. His great work in the clay of my heart has made the pain a distant memory, something i sometimes forget ever even happened.

The Death of myself has been excruciating. But by not running away, I have witnessed myself dying and it has been beautiful beyond words; A glimpse darkly in the mirror of my heart of the glorious work of our father through the works of his Son and the Holy Spirit.